A story of self-awareness, self-forgiveness and breaking generational curses at Christmastime
Aaron felt like he had spent his entire life on some sort of ‘naughty list’. Going all the way back as far as he could remember; his best efforts always seemed to turn out wrong.
This holiday season, Aaron wasn’t feeling any better about things. 4 days before Christmas, he kept repeating to himself. He wasn’t sure if it was a milestone or a mountain, but either way, he wished he could stop time at 5 days before Christmas.
8 years earlier, 5 days before Christmas, Aaron didn’t care anymore about being wrong all the time, about causing problems all the time, about his notoriety with authorities in his hometown.
At that point in his life, eight years ago, five days before Christmas, Aaron didn’t care about anything at all. So little did he care, that he chuckled when he leaned back in his chair during dinner and let his dirty boots drop onto a full plate of food upon the table.
Aaron’s cousin was the first to act. The scrawny 19 year old had seen enough of Aaron ruining holidays and special events. He used his long legs to propel his body across the table, tackling Aaron around the neck.
The two of them fell backwards. Aaron was stunned and reflexively flailed his limbs as his younger cousin let out a string of rapid punches, like he was in some sort of video game final fight.
Then, everything went dark for Aaron. And when he woke up, things were even darker.
Eight years ago, four days before Christmas, Aaron awoke in a jail cell with a throbbing head and spotty memory of drinking way too many beers in the backyard with his uncles.
Those years were filled with misery. Aaron bounced around from place to place, hating himself more with each passing month. In and out of crime, in and out of lust, in and out of hope; but never out of trouble.
Three years ago, two days after New Year’s, Aaron decided to try and make different choices. He had almost been a father, and even though it didn’t work out for him, he wanted more of the fleeting happiness he got to feel, the hope he got to experience. One day, on a messed up blind date, he found a random book on an empty park bench, and Aaron began to figure out his life.
So, step by step, Aaron made changes. But the voice in his head never let him fully relax. And, just like always, it didn’t seem to matter how good he did or how hard he tried, the demons in his mind were louder than his accomplishments.
With this year’s Christmas coming just around the corner, only 8 days away, Aaron couldn’t shake the feeling of being on the naughty list, perpetually, for the rest of his life.
He carried that gloom with him, even when his phone rang. His grandpa was on the other end, earnestly talking as soon as he heard Aaron’s voice.
“Aaron, my mother, your great grandma is coming to the house for Christmas. It’ll be her last year with us, Aaron, and she knows it.” Grandpa’s voice cracked. Aaron held his breath as he heard his family patriarch take a deep one. “I want you to come home, Aaron. It’s been a long time, and she wants us all together. Please will you come home? I know you’ll have a good time. Everyone’s grown. I know you have, too!”
Fleeting hope. Aaron jumped at the sensation. He agreed to come home, baffled at how he could be welcome, not sure he would welcome himself in the reverse position.
Four days before Christmas, and this year Aaron cared. But still, the voices persisted. He wondered if he would ever get rid of them.
Great grandma was all smiles. It warmed his heart, and even though the family seemed uneasy around him, everyone was peaceful. Aaron let himself relax a bit.
He took deep breaths. He took breaks outside. He didn’t drink. He smiled at chit chat. He made amends with his younger cousin. Aaron thought things might be okay, until his uncle’s voice rose up over the din.
“Well, Aaron’s always been a troublemaker, Gramma, but he made it here for you. Better get some words in while you can!”
Aaron felt his face flush with heat as the rest of the family looked on apprehensively.
But he was different now. He didn’t rage out. Aaron calmly crossed the distance between himself and his great grandmother. Her arms were outstretched when he got to her. Aaron leaned down into her embrace, inhaling the same perfume scent he remembered from his childhood visits.
She took his face in her hands and shook her head.
“No, Aaron, you’ve never been a troublemaker. It’s your mind that’s causing the trouble. All you’ve gotta do is fight the mean mind with a kind mind. Love the anger out of yourself, and you’ll be just fine. Trust me, there isn’t actually a naughty list. You know we only pretend about Santa for magic, for the kids. You take your life, and you make either coal or presents!”
She kissed him on the cheek with her wrinkled lips. Aaron held back a lump in his throat.
Great Grandma didn’t know it, but she broke a generational curse with her words, and Aaron shifted right then and there.
He embraced his Great grandmother, then his dad and uncles, his grandparents. Quite a startling contrast from the Aaron they had all known from the past.
It didn’t happen right away, but the magick of his Great Grandmother’s words had an immense impact in Aaron’s life. It’s like she gave him the weapons he needed to keep the demons at bay. Self-love, permission to be kind to himself and a reason to leave his own mental naughty list.
As winter gave way to spring, and Aaron found himself flowing through his best ever year, he remembered daily to mind his mind’s trouble with kindness, and to love the anger out.
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